A column exploring female sexuality and the questions that come along with questioning your sexuality.
The first idea I want to shed light on is the expectations we have for ourselves to be labeled. Growing up and claiming our sexuality – we treat this shit like the Hunger Games. We think that if we choose to be labeled as one thing, then we cannot explore more options. There is a difference between being sexually curious vs. knowing your whole life you love a certain gender. Sexuality is not black and white.
Speaking from my personal life, I have had my experiences with both men and women. I have never been in love with a woman, but I have always been sexually attracted to women. In grade school, my first kiss was my girl best friend. I remember how stoked I was. I then somehow I got my other girl friend to full on make out with me – we even got to the point where we climbed on top of each other grinding. When we would hang out, we would look at photos of naked women online. Yes, this was in grade school. For many years, this was the only sexual experience I had ever had. I never envisioned myself having feelings for those two girls I had kissed, but I would develop crushes on boys frequently. This had always left me sexually confused – my mom would tell me that she knows I’m not bisexual or lesbian. At a young age, all I did was listen to her rather than exploring further myself.
As the years went on, I used all my power to lead myself to believe that I was strictly straight. I wouldn’t allow myself to have any thoughts of exploration. Although when I would watch porn, I couldn’t tell if the man or female was turning me on. I started to question myself again in my Senior year of high school, because my good friend had told me that she thinks I’m bisexual. Not that I should have listened to what anybody said, but this brought up a lot of curiosity. I had always been a girl who has the personality of a man. I dress and look feminine, but my attitude was always masculine. I didn’t have many girl friends because I couldn’t handle all of the gossip about makeup and boys. Girls didn’t like me because they assumed I was fucking all of the boys I hung out with, when really I just found comfort.
To this day, I’ve only ever dated men. All through high school, I truly thought there was something wrong with me. Why do none of these men arouse me? Why am I not interested? Why do I have to fake this? Men were easy, so I went for them. I would pretend that I want to fuck them, just because it was fun to stroke my ego. I wouldn’t get sexually aroused – they made me feel nothing in fact. I would have sex with guys, but I found it humorous how easily they would get turned on. I found it humorous how easily they thought I was turned on. Sex was emotionless, it felt more like a task. I would fake orgasms, stroke their ego, and lead them to think I wanted them so bad.
It took me up until now to actually want dick. I’d say its because I accepted the fact that I don’t need to be labeled as anything. If I want to hook up with girls, I can. If I want to hook up with guys, I can do that too. If I want to never date a girl but enjoy them sexually, that’s cool too. There’s no right or wrong. So if somebody asks me what I identify as, I answer “I do what I please.”
Photography by Christy Flaherty